I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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