my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
