i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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