im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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