Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
a search helicopter?!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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