Whoa Z and x make the same sound
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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