we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
