I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
