i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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