Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
