I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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