I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
