When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
