Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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