I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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