My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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