My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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