If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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