Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
