I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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