Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
