Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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