I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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