I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
