well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
