Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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