We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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