dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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