so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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