I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
