get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
