Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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