so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
