I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
