I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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