dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
