3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
