What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
