just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
