Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
