You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
