She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
