those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
