her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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