yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
