As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Those nachos came to me in a dream
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
