I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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