I cut my penus on the lid.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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