woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
