how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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