i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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