There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
